Movie Review: Thir13en Ghosts

Originally written July 21st, 2014.

My love of practical effects and prosthetic makeup is going to be the death of me some day. I recently saw a scene from Thir13en Ghosts on YouTube and decided to watch it solely on the awesome/gross effect of a guy getting bisected by a pane of glass. Robert Kurtzman of Wishmaster and Greg Nicotero of Army of Darkness were doing the special effects so it couldn’t be that bad, right?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a major studio film with editing this bad before. This is Birdemic: Shock and Terror bad. But at least Birdemic has the excuse of being a zero-budget amateur production. The entire movie lurches blindly ahead like a rickety rollercoaster. Even in low-key dialog scenes the cutting is so frenetic that it’s a headache. There’s never that natural pause between dialog; it feels like the lines are all trying to force their way out of a door at once and then all come spewing out at once.

Editing needs to be paced properly so that things don’t feel rushed. There are numerous scenes of exposition that needed to be played slowly to ensure all the information is presented clearly, but the characters rush through everything so fast it leaves your head spinning. The action scenes are even worse. I think the director was trying to go for a music video feel, with lots of flashy jump cuts and things jumping at the screen, but it comes across as disorienting and obnoxious. It’s like someone trying to punch you in the face with a strobe light.

I’m all for unique editing styles. Edgar Wright pulls off jump cut sequences fantastically, and Event Horizon uses rapid-fire editing really well for its brief glimpses of hell. But both of those examples use the techniques sparingly. Thir13en Ghosts uses them the entire movie, and it’s an eyesore. It’s so difficult to tell what’s going on during the action sequences that anything of interest is immediately lost.

Despite the massive headache that is the editing, there are a few good things about the movie. There are some very creative ideas here and there, like the production design. The idea of having the house be a maze of shifting walls and stairs is pretty cool, and the glasshouse/clockwork design is stunning. The ghosts are really cool, too. We don’t get to see much of it, but the effects work from Kurtzman and Nicotero is top-notch. The naked ghost woman is really creepy, as is the guy covered in nails, and that guy with the cage on his head. It’s a shame the editing ruined everything, because visually, the movie had a lot going for it.

Overall, this movie is a complete wreck. When the movie isn’t jump-cutting your eyes into dust, it’s shoveling everything forwards at an unnecessary breakneck speed. There are momentary glimpses of a good movie trying to break through, like the bathroom scene and that “Black Zodiac” thing, but ultimately it’s all lost in the dang editing. The ghost designs are cool, and the effects work is great for 2001, but they get butchered to oblivion along with everything else. I haven’t seen the original 1960 film, but I have no doubt it’s better than the remake. So go watch that one instead and save your self the potential seizures.